Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
