I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
