dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's blow job season.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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