My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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