My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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