Nicole vs. Life
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
