turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
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There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
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I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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