alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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