only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
