I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
