I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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