If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm too high and old for this...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
