if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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