Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
