Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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