Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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