If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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