they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
