i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.