My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
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He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.