the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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