Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
