this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
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It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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