are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
