I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
