party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
