Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
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I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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