I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal