the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.