i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
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the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
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He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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