The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
