There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
