literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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