We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
