Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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