Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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