Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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