Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
