i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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