woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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