I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
