New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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