the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
