I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
In America we eat man semen.
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I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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