I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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