I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
