I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
