I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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