i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
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I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED