I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.