Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷