If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
