She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
