I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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