weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
