my phone needs a breathalizer
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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