I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
