Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
