she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
