If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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