you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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