Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
