I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i believe in u and ur pee
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
